So I called up this number in the Classifieds. ‘Restaurant Equipment for Sale’ it said.

 

Sunday afternoon and we’re driving along the Marsascala ‘front’. We cannot see the restaurant anywhere. The owner sees us cruising. ‘Here! Here’ he exclaims on the phone, waving madly from in front of a huge, pine garage door situated underneath what seems to be a Bronx-style block of flats, complete with tattooed and gold-laden homies outside drinking beer.

 

We walk into the dark space, packed with cheap, ugly tables and chairs. There is a huge display fridge. ‘The tables are for sale. So is the display fridge: that cost thousands’. ‘I’m afraid I don’t need them’ I say, taking in the plastic flowers and the cheap and decidedly un-cheerful décor.

 

I walk into the ‘kitchen’ at the back. There is a white domestic oven and cooker, a professional grill and at least four freezers. There is a huge sink.

 

Where is your equipment, I ask

Like what, he replies

Erm...hobs? Convection ovens?

That’s it, he replies

Freezers?

Yes

Erm, but you cannot cook in a freezer. How did you cook?

In that, he says, pointing to the microwave

Erm, ok. So you bought frozen stuff and reheated it?

Yes of course. Neither me nor my girlfriend know how to cook.

But you opened a restaurant?

Yes of course. That’s what she wanted. She’s a waitress you see, but she wanted her own place. So I ploughed all my money into this and now I’m driving a Yugo. (He shows me the tiny, 25-year old Yugo outside).  Business is absolutely crap. Nobody walks by here!

But didn’t you do a bit of research before you bought this?

Of course I did! I’ve lived in this area all my life. They ruined us by closing the Jerma [Palace Hotel].

Oh, so when did you open then?

A month ago

A month ago? But the Jerma has been closed for ages now.

I know but I didn’t think it would be this bad

Oh, and could I ask what your girlfriend does now?

She’s gone back to being a waitress (he points across the bay). She couldn’t take it any more after three weeks with nobody coming in so she’s abandoned it. She’s ruined me. Nahseb ha nghidilha ‘ohrogli minn hajti’ (I think I’ll tell her to get out of my life). I never wanted to drive a Yugo! What do you think? Should I leave her?

Erm, right. Ok. I don’t think we really need anything from here. I’m really sorry.

I don’t blame you! The restaurant business is shit! Nobody is eating out any more. They’ve ruined us.

 

Our car is an automatic. The tyres don’t squeal. But if they could on that scorching Sunday afternoon, we’d have left marks all the way to Zabbar.

 

The photo is not a put-on. Go here http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/youngandhungry/files/2009/09/bad-restaurant-name-1.jpg or simply google 'bad restaurant name' and have yourself some fun. I especially love the Poo and Pee Restaurant