Dear Budget Bagalja,

Sorry I couldn’t watch Mr. Fenech read out your contents on budget night. You see, I was  too busy pushing the missus’ car to the side of the road and waiting for a tow truck. Evidently, old Puntos weren’t designed for amphibious operations-an unforgivable oversight on the manufacturer’s part.  Neither have I read through them with any semblance of thoroughness as when it comes to figures, my brain just turns to mush. Nonetheless, from what I can figure out, I will now be able to buy a 'cheap' electric, flying car: essential for circumstances such as these.

Moreover, I would rather run across the African savannah dressed only in a loincloth made of zebra meat marinated in catnip than actually read properly through the stodgy, self-congratulatory prose interspersed with the odd “Mr. Speaker”, “baġit” and other sundry offence against the Maltese language, in its entirety. Interestingly “random” apparently has no Maltese translation and so must be italicised and written in English. I guess “b’mod mhux sistematiku” or “bl-addoċċ” even 'b'alabiebizmu' weren’t what Mr. Fenech had in mind, although past performance being an indicator of future, the latter option would possibly be closer to the truth.

Good to see mental health services are to be extended: I’m going to bloody well need them. 4% increases on tobacco and even higher fuel costs? Do they want me to go postal? Shall I just check in to Mount Carmel now and save them the trouble?

I’m fascinated by the 15% rebate on the cost of sports equipment: does that include coffins for surfing? How about storm drains that can cope with moderate rainfall? A functional rain water catchment/recycling scheme? Finally? After 15 years of promises?

Has no one in Government ever seen the “dropping TV in bathtub” scene from Bride of Chucky? DO THEY HONESTLY THINK I’LL BUY AN ELECTRIC CAR TO DRIVE THROUGH A FARKING RIVER RAPIDS?

I’m sorry I shouted, Budget Bagalja, but it doesn’t take the brains of an astrophysicist chess-playing, Chinese Archbishop with a PhD in Astrophysical Mandarin Chess to figure out these basic priorities, so when people we put in power insult our intelligence by coming up with gems like this, it just makes me want to punch a baby. In the face. Pow.

Sorry baby, blame the Government.

I know it’s not your fault, you’re “just the messenger” rhubarb rhubarb, but really-next time Mr. Fenech’s (new? healthier?) maid is dusting you off, don’t just sit there being tickled: put a word in for us. He might see sense, hearing it from her.

Then again, maybe not. (Past performance and all that)

(In) Your (deathly grip) s

This Charming Man

This Charming Man is a reluctant legal professional, an ex-professional soldier, ex-waiter, ex-deli sandwich maker, ex-expat, ex-boyfriend, ex-pretty-much-everything-else-under-the-sun and generally ex-hausted. Some also say, a slightly unhinged cantankerous moaner. Wait. This is Planet...err...moaner, right?

Every so often he publishes a letter on Planetmona.com .  Planetmona is Malta's food, travel and review website, edited by Mona Farrugia.  If you're looking for a restaurant in Malta , this is where you should be.

No babies were harmed in the writing of this letter.

Yet.