Dear Tin Pot Dictators,

Not been a good couple of weeks for you lot has it? Mubarak, poor guy must be considering changing his name to Hosni Mufarrak with the riots and civil unrest, Berlusconi may well end up polishing some big scary inmate’s knob in prison and Libya, yes Libya of Cloud Cuckoo Land “let’s play ‘dress up the Colonel with as many uniforms, ribbons, medals, bells, whistles, tinsel and baubles that we can find’ ” Libya has finally had enough of it’s Leader’s...well...wierdness.

As Mona might put it: “Ilmarelligate xi straġii”. A couple of weeks ago it was just Egypt. Then I blinked and somehow most of North Africa and the Middle East was engulfed by the flames of revolution. Yemen, Bahrain, Libya and Iran all with popular protests - inspired by Egypt and Tunisia. Seriously, get a grip, dictators-you’re letting the side down. Take a leaf out of Kim Jong Il’s book and get your populace in order. He’s a short, fat, bald bloke with a girl’s name for crying out loud. If he can do it, what's your excuse?

Gaddafi, with all your faults, your lady bodyguards, your passing resemblance to Michael Jackson, the shades from CHiPS, the mascara, (I can’t be alone in seeing problems in the gender identity department, can I?), I for one, will miss you. What other world leader could get away with wearing a dead raccoon on his head and writing a distinctly odd collection of immensely boring essays urging the world to adopt his alternative to both capitalism and communism (which, you claim, inspired Gorbachev's perestroika)? No one, that's who.

Only you would have the brass bollocks to turn up to a non-aligned summit in Belgrade with two horses and six camels on a separate aeroplane and get the Yugoslavs to allow you to graze the camels in front of the hotel where you pitched your circus tent, for your daily dose of fresh camel milk. Sadly, Slavic humour being what it is, they declined to permit you to ride to the conference on one of your white chargers-depriving the world of comedy of a truly memorable day.

I’m assuming the military fetish is something you picked up in boy scouts, along with your (at least) 26 medals-I’m also assuming the big noticeboard you’re wearing on your left breast is covered with medal ribbons and is not, say, a dartboard, or a barcode from your alien abduction. Or for the checkout at Lidl. Wow! Is that a “tying Maltese politicians in knots” merit badge I see? Very rare, very collectible!

Dictators of the world-I write this to remind you all, albeit a bit late, that in case you haven’t noticed there is only so much shite a man can take before he goes mental and starts setting cars and policemen alight and such. We Maltese went mental once, tossing some silly Frenchman who thought it’d be ok to nick silverware from our churches* from an Mdina balcony. Of course, this is the French we’re talking about here so we laid siege for roughly an hour and a half till they ran out of baguettes and promptly surrendered to whoever happened to be passing by at the time-in our case, the British. We then lost no time in getting into bed with the British and were shafted for a good 160 years as a result-enough to make anyone sore and wary of being in the thrall of other nations.

Or so you’d think.

But you’d be wrong. Logic doesn’t always seem to apply to Maltese foreign policy. We didn’t want to get picked on by the playground bullies so we got all chummy with them instead. All of them. Gaddafi? He’s got oil and mental health issues! Here, take our firstborn! We will accept a pat on the back in return-we’re not in it for the money, we’re just naturally generous - as long as you’re bigger and stronger than us.

China? Human rights abuses schamooses, yes you can open a Chinese cultural centre and make us your gateway into the EU and thank you for your generous offer of a wonton and a couple of prawn crackers-just don’t hurt our trade ok? North Korea- Kim Yong Nam sent Eddie a birthday greeting: look-we’re bezzie mates, us! That’s got to count for something, right? If you have any nukes you want shipped through our ports, just let us know.

So we’re at it again, for the past few weeks we’ve seen Lawrence Gonzi tying himself in knots in an attempt to avoid offending the Libyan dictator whilst simultaneously trying not to lose face with the international community. And failing miserably on both counts. I’m sure half the Libyan Airforce landing in Malta isn’t exactly helping his cause, but that happened after his non-stance was made public. Sorry, but you can’t run with the hares and hunt with the hounds at the same time. Pick a side and stick with it.

Me, I'd rather end up begging for oil and be considered a ballsy motherfucker by my electorate than jettison my credibility on both the local and international stage, but hey, that’s just me. We have decided to sit on the fence and hedge our bets, as noncommittal as ever. Our descent from that fence will probably end up with us being separated from our pants, caught in the thorny hedge of our opportunist, maybe-this-can-be-converted-to-my-benefit political dithering. You had the opportunity to stand for something but instead you chose to stand for nothing. I never thought I’d say this to the PM (who I hitherto actually liked- amazing how things change in the space of a few hours)- but thanks for nothing, you spineless creature. Don’t bother condemning use of overwhelming military force on unarmed civilians, don't call on the UN to impose tighter sanctions or (heaven forbid) intervene, just go for generic condemnation of violence. That’ll do, right? So he's bombing his own people but we have commercial interests to protect and that trumps everything.

Lele, nothing like a bit of backbone-deficiency to further cement my opinion on politicians.

So basically at this point I can only hope we’re invaded by a foreign power where honour is not yet entirely dead, maybe it'll rub off on us after a few centuries. Somebody like Japan. At least the trains would run on time.

And we’d actually have trains.

Any takers?

TCM

*(we’ll gladly spread our cheeks for foreign gold/protection but fuck with our churches or festas at your peril)