Dear Baby Jesus Fanciers of the World.

All three of you.
Before you start theorizing about compulsions and whatnot, zip it-I’m not going to go into the merits of whether this is an infantile obsession or a full-blown mental illness, because I don’t care. Stop it. It’s just fucking stupid.
And stop stealing them : the irony might just cause our heads to explode and kill us all, plus we’ve been incurring enough divine wrath of late as it is, without you kidnapping the Son of God.

There is so much implied hilarity in this story that my brain is having a hard time processing it all.
According to the Times of Malta:

"Mr Portelli collected Baby Jesus statues and had searched high and low for another one of the same model but failed, the inspector said. In court, the accused admitted to the theft, to handling stolen property and to damaging the statue when he ran off with it."

The pillock.

Mr. Portelli is charged with being an idiot of cosmic proportions and with disgracing the proud criminal reputation of Birkirkara on the following grounds:

• Collecting statues of baby Jesus. Never a good sign, that.


• Wanting this one so bad that he was compelled to steal it


• From a Muzew, no less


• Managing to damage the piece he'd stolen while running away. Obviously in a thrilling chase through the streets of Birkirkara involving SWAT teams, helicopters and explosions.


• Getting caught and admitting his guilt right away.
  
  The Godfather is not amused.

This whole baby-Jesus-stealing thing raises a puzzling issue (several, actually but I'll stick to the easy one): what is the difference between one baby Jesus statue and another? Who cares if its new or old, clay or ceramic. They're all the bloody same (hideous). Always in that three-fingered, Tai Chi pose. Always impossibly cherubic, lipsticked and curly haired for a newborn. They are also, alarmingly, usually ginger. I never took the Holy Spirit to be a Scotsman but then again our Celtic friends do like their spirits, so you never know. If only we had proof that Jesus' middle name was Glenmorangie it would have been a dead giveaway, but sadly the birth certificate is lost to history.

Sometimes I just wonder if the Times just makes this stuff up to pad its ever thinner editions or to bait the online loon community into posting rants. I used to think them too droll to troll, but you can never tell. I'll wager they're having a right giggle at our expense in the TOM newsroom, as I write.

You want to see a collection of cute babies? Go to the creche and help with the laundry or donate money. Don't even dream about adopting: I shudder to think of the upbringing you’d offer, you scary scary people you.

News like this makes part of me me want to run away from this strange little island, but as in the land of the sane the madman is king, I live in hope that the reverse turn out to be true one day. Unless I lose my marbles hanging out with you lot, that is.

TCM

http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20110608/local/Baby-Jesus-thief-confesses-to-crime.369499