I have an underlying suspicion that no matter how informed a typical tourist may think he or she is before deciding on a vacation around these parts, there are some crucial facts related to this nation that he won’t find in any brochures, travelogues or promotional websites.

Being the responsible Maltese citizens that we are, it is our civic duty to assist the tourist anyway we can – even before he sets foot on Maltese soil. I will be providing ten different daily tips directly addressed to our summer visitors, primarily aimed at helping them in deriving the best possible experience throughout their stay . All free of charge.

TIP NO. 1: The more religious you are, the more fun you’ll have!

If you form part of the ultra-religious crowd,  rest assured that you’ll be spending the best time of your life over here. You are bound to bump into a church, cathedral, chapel or some other building with a cross on top of it for every 10 metres you travel. Make no mistake – religion is a huge thing for the Maltese. So I advise you that you don’t piss them off by wearing your “No God, Know Peace” T-shirt or even that good old nutshell 'I like the Pope. The Pope smokes Dope'. You’ll also end up in trouble (and in a police station) even if you try and genuinely mingle with the religious crowd and dress up like a nun, so this is something of a lost cause.

It would be best if you also research something about the Holy Mary before boarding the plane to Malta. The Holy Mary seems to have a special knack for this island because she talks to everyone around these parts – from ministers to overweight fraudsters. Thus, if you ever engage in a conversation with a local who mentions his best friend Mary that is married to a carpenter and can’t find a hotel booking for the upcoming Christmas season, do not panic. Just nod your head in approval and treat him as if he’s the sanest person on the planet.

TIP NO. 2: Use our national airline.

Look, so we had to recruit a foreign CEO to sort all this mess out, going so far as to pay him a salary equivalent to half the GDP of Venezuela. Because apparently, we’re a nation of clueless idiots who aren’t competent enough to solve this shit by ourselves. Air Malta needs all the support it can get right now, and its lifeline depends entirely on you – the tourist.

Nothing will give me greater pleasure than to see the Air Malta plane back where it truly belongs – on a music video of our Eurovision songs. And nothing pains me more than having to witness ministers giving up their much deserved free flights as a sign of solidarity. I urge you, dear tourist, to give a halt to this massive sacrifice our politicians have to endure. We both know their honoraria won’t be enough to sustain them.

TIP NO. 3: If you want to visit any historical landmark , walk all the way to it.

Don’t even think about using Arriva transport. By the time the bus arrives, your vacation period will already be over.

Taxis are out of the question too, unless you’re soaked in cash and can afford to pay the hefty price of fuel which seems to increase at an hourly rate.

Bicycles? Forget it. The only landmark you would see is the sticker on the front window of an SUV driving straight at you reading “My eyes in your ass”, owned by some reckless redneck with  tattoos of Christ the Redeemer covering most of his left shoulder.

You have no alternative but to walk all the way to your desired destination. Your relatives won’t believe you’re the same person once you step back on your native soil, 10 kilograms lighter than you were before you left. It’s a win/win situation if you ask me.

TIP NO. 4:  Summer concerts are a must, especially if you’re into artists thirty years past their prime.

From Santana to Rod Stewart, this island has the unmistakable talent of attracting old geezers each and every summer. The target audience for these type of concerts can be solely deduced from the seating arrangements. You’ll know that you have stumbled unexpectedly into some old people’s association when the attendants themselves are all sitting on their fat asses because they don’t have the energy nor the necessary stamina to even stand on their own two legs in order to “rock”. Before buying a ticket,  just make sure your stomach is strong enough to digest the creepy image  of a sixty year old asking “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” from the main stage.

Sometimes, the occasional contemporary singer will also pay a visit,   but you’ll be screwed anyway because these latter type of concerts are targeted at underage James Blunt fans and alcohol will be banned outright from the venue. No amount of protests and feet-stomping will get you an ice cold beer at these type of events  So it’s either drink and sit, or stand up and shut up.

The only instance where you will see people of all ages attending a single event is the Isle of MTV concert. But that’s only because it’s free and Maltese people have a habit of milking things dry as long as they don’t have to pay for them. So don’t be surprised when you spot a man old enough to be your grandpa during Snoop Dogg’s gig. He’s only there because, as it turns out,  the concert was cheaper than the village tombola.

TIP NO. 5: Know the law before you get into trouble.

If  you happen to be a wild card and already had your fair shares of brushes with the law, it’s always best to be prepared and do your research before you step on Maltese soil. For instance, local courts have statistically proven that carrying one kilo of cannabis will probably get you a harsher sentence than sexually abusing kids. And by “kids”, I don’t mean the sixteen year old who shows you her ID Card after it’s too late and you’re already screwed. I mean the type of kids who are still attending kindergarten classes. Either be smart and stay off drugs, or don’t be dumb enough to get caught. Hey, it’s no coincidence that most of Midnight Express was filmed in Malta.

Most importantly, be aware that Malta is a nation of blatant contradictions, a nation so morally conservative in its social policies, so keen on protecting its quasi-holy family values, that it permits a constantly increasing number of gentlemen clubs full of half (ok, more) naked strippers to fill up a good portion of Paceville and other major entertainment areas; a nation so laden with uncompromising Christian love, it’s ready to pounce on you, judge you, and tear you to pieces every chance it gets.  Don’t even try to rationalise anything. This is Malta. Just take it as it is.

TIP NO. 6: If you’re visiting Malta with your significant other, dinner by candlelight is the best option you have.

Not because it’s romantic, but rather because you would have no other choice. The more days you spend over here, the bigger the chances of witnessing the obligatory electricity cut. There’s not much we can do when our boilers were probably already around to witness the Great Siege. Most notably, it is safe to say that Boiler No. 7 is in a league of its own. It has a particularly rebellious attitude and won’t give too much of a fuck about your precious holiday.

So it’s always best to come prepared. Pack two candles into your luggage and turn a night of utter disgruntlement into an unforgettable amorous experience. Your partner will be delighted to discover your tender side, and you’ll only have the Enemalta power station to thank for your future child.

TIP NO. 7: Experience local culture at its best. Visit the village festa!

Bare chested men, big breasted women, beer-swilling, pavement-vomiting, ear- shattering fireworks. The village festa has it all. It is best dvised that you learn some foul vocabulary from the locals themselves; they’ll be more than happy to educate you in the pleasures of the Maltese language. You’ll find it especially handy when you’re obliged to insult the other saint on the opposite side of town.

If you’re into crafts, you can also give them a hand in constructing custom-made models of male genitalia, so that you can head over to the village border and throw them enthusiastically towards the other end of the town, where inferior people worshipping an inferior saint live their inferior existence. Don’t be shocked nor dumbstruck dear tourists, I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Just don’t ask anything on the historical background of the saint you’re supposed to be celebrating. The locals probably know less than you do.

If you are particularly lucky, you might also witness the parish statue being carried by four old farts straight out of a nursing home. In such cases, make sure that you have your camcorder handy and ready for use. Your video is guaranteed to become the next youtube sensation as the poor sculpture will inevitably topple off its pedestal and lose its head amidst the screaming crowd.

TIP NO. 8: Become part of the 'new' local craze – Planking!

Leave it to the Maltese to copy the dumbest ideas possible and make them their own. The new online craze, called “planking”, involves taking pictures of yourself lying face down in bizarre locations and posting them on the net to prove to everyone how much of an unfunny idiot you are. The Maltese planking page has currently over 8,000 likes on facebook, a number higher than the likes on the pages of Germany and Sweden combined. Which says a lot about the level of intelligence pertaining to the people you will be interacting with. If you happen to be totally ignorant in the Maltese language and find it hard to communicate with the locals, just lie face down on the ground and they’ll automatically accept you as one of their own.

TIP NO. 9: Go to the beach!

This seems like a given, but no proper holiday in Malta is complete without a customary visit to one of the countless beautiful beaches on the island. And if sun and sand is your idea of good fun, you can do no better than coming to Malta.

A few cautionary tips, though. Unless you want to take the whole tourist package and book a free tour to our local courts, swimming topless is not only strictly prohibited, but flat out illegal. We don't want our kids to be permanently scarred by the sight of your boobs, thank you very much. Granted, they've been sucking on a similar one for the first six months of their life, but there's no way they will remember that, will they?

And just in case you brought your pet along and want to take it to the beach with you, we won't permit you either. We're completely fine with watching our obese women proudly exposing their flapping flesh wearing tight bikinis, overcrowded families with obnoxious children running around like a bunch of headless chickens, and the occasional doofus who brings his stereo along and thinks he's the next Van Buuren, completely unaware that Marigold is not the only Maltese song ever created and that we're all sick and tired of having to hear it again. But dogs? Sorry, but that's where the line is drawn. Just leave it at your hotel, or some other overheated, confined space.

Mind you, this is the same nation that went completely berserk when a dog was brutally tortured just a few months ago. The resulting collective commotion reached greater heights than any apartheid managed to do. So we might make some exceptions to the above rule. It all depends on how cute your dog is.

TIP NO. 10: No matter how hurried you may be, please DO NOT jump from balconies.

It  has become customary tradition for a tourist to meet his demise while jumping from the balcony of his apartment. For some reason, it seems to happen every summer. Unless your name is Peter Parker, it is highly recommended not to engage in such dangerous activities. No matter what anyone might have told you, our lodgings do have stairs and the least thing you could do is make use of them.

This tip is perhaps the one that you should take most seriously. All the others might have had a humorous side to them,  but some things you just don’t joke around with. Always remember – there might be my car parked just under your apartment.

For tips about restaurants in Malta just refer to all of Mona Farrugia's reviews.