Dear Big Bother,

Thank you for trying to save me from a slow and painful death by soap ingestion. I find your concern touching. It's good to know the Malta Standards Authority is looking out for me. Sadly, this is a misplaced concern as I already know it is not lethal, having unsuccessfully tried to feed some to the in-laws (as you do).  Besides, come on, who hasn’t eaten soap as a child? I’ve had my mouth washed out with it enough times to know it a) doesn’t taste nice and b) isn’t poisonous. I also learned, amongst other things, that “I can see Mrs. X’s boobies!” is not something you’re meant to say in church.

“Not lethal?! But Mummy always told me that soap is POYSIN!” you say. Nope. I have researched this subject extensively for over 15 minutes. Turns out Mummy had the IQ of a leek and had been watching A Christmas Story[1] far too many times, a menacing combination of factors if ever there was one. Soap is not lethal, it is not even harmful. Huge amounts of antibacterial soap may interfere with your intestinal flora and give you the runs for a bit, but let’s be clear here: if you’re daft enough to be eating any amount of antibacterial soap, you deserve worse.

I've done my homework too. The criteria in both the Legal Notice and the EU directives you mention in The Letter[2] are:

"...although not foodstuffs, possess a form, odour, colour, appearance, packaging, labelling, volume or size, such that it is likely that consumers, especially children, will confuse them with foodstuffs and in consequence place them in their mouths, or suck or ingest them, which might be dangerous and cause, for example, suffocation, poisoning, or the perforation or obstruction of the digestive tract."

How soap could cause any of the above is an exercise in creative thinking Edward DeBono would be proud of.

Believe it or not, there are otherwise healthy people out there who actually enjoy eating soap (and metal and clay, amongst other things). These are symptoms of an eating disorder called Pica (from the latin word for “magpie”-an indiscriminate eater. I like magpies, we have much in common). Maybe if Charlene directly marketed it to this audience, this whole circus act wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t put it past you.

And no, I don’t have this disorder. No, really. Mother can say what she likes; finding me in my playpen with my face plastered with shite (aged 1)-just means that she obviously wasn’t feeding me enough and that I had to improvise. I wasn't exactly going to order a takeaway at that age, was I? Moving on...

I wonder what caused you to pick on Charlene, but I’m guessing you were the butt of an office practical joke, tried to eat some and felt like a complete cretin when you realised everyone in the office was laughing at you. I can picture your shades-of-Gollum tantrum now: “They tricked us! Sneaky little soapses! Wicked! Tricksy! False!” Foaming at the mouth (literally), you lashed out in retaliation - now not only do you still look like a pillock, you have a nation-wide audience. Nice one.

I love curry. The hotter the better. Naturally the next day, I have breath that could stop an oncoming train and an arse like the Imperial Japanese flag. Shall we ban curry now? It’s a hell of a lot more dangerous than soap, if you ask me. Or the wife.

Expect a bar of soap shaped like a mince pie in your stocking this year.

I just hope it works on bullshit.

Honestly!

TCM