The airport terminal is almost menacing in its ugliness.  Lurking beside the check-in desk, TSA operatives scowled at me as I waited for Air Canada to check me in.  I was a little early but I hoped to be able to deposit my bags and pass through the mind-numbingness that is Security as quickly as possible.  Boarding passes in hand, I wheeled my luggage across the carpeted terminal of Bradley International Airport where a burly, surly, uniformed officer grunted at me as she took the bag and passed it through the X-ray machine.

Half an hour or so later, as I sat down to put my shoes back on, and noticed a restaurant, I figured that between the fact that it was lunch time and the fact that I had a trans-Atlantic flight ahead of me, I might as well get a good lunch in me before boarding.  The building is completely different after security: better lit, well laid out, no carpet.  My hand luggage murmured its way behind me as I zigzagged between the tables, following a waiter (or “server” as they call them State-side) to my table.

I was not interested in having a large lunch - breakfast had been plentiful – but I knew that airline food would be disgusting at best, so I fancied having something that would keep me going.  The menu, however, was not meant for the light-hearted.  Among the entrees, I noted that they had a 12 oz (340g) steak with seasonal vegetables and a loaded baked potato.  Not feeling that hungry, but weary of the size of the portions, I opted for a safer and, hopefully, lighter plate of pasta.  I also ordered a large grapefruit juice to keep things on the healthy size but made the cardinal error of not asking if it was freshly squeezed or not.

The juice promptly arrived.  It tasted sour and was pale pink like the back of a middle-aged English woman’s thighs upon being exposed to the sun for the first time.  I was still reeling from the first sip when the food arrived, so I cannot complain about the service.

I can complain about the food though.

The Penne Vodka was not al dente but soggy, not unlike old tissues that are forgotten inside a trouser pocket and get washed along with the rest of your dirty underwear. I dare say they tasted the same too.  While I expected a vodka-like flavour, I can’t say I noticed any but perhaps this was because my taste buds were suffering under the blitzkrieg that the thick tomato sauce launched.

Who puts tomato sauce with Penne Vodka? Let me re-phrase this, Who puts thick stodges of imitation tomato sauce with Penne Vodka? Sorry, let me do that again; Who puts thick stodges of imitation tomato sauce that clearly came out of a can, does not taste of tomatoes (but at least is red) with Penne Vodka?

I normally find that caviar and salmon goes well with vodka so the thought of chicken with this was interesting when I made the choice.  That interest was rather academic as I tried to chew the small chunks of rubbery meat.  I felt like I was gnawing on the cook’s gloves.  I took a quick gulp of the juice to stop the sauce from clinging to my teeth like an attention-seeking dentist before turning back to what perhaps was the only item on the plate that could be consumed by humans.

Garlic bread.

Yes, you read that right – accompanying my tasteless, shapeless, formless pasta, were two blackened-around-the-rim, chew-on-me-if-you-dare, what-the-hell-am-I-doing-on-this-plate slices of garlic bread. They did not taste of garlic at all, in case you’re wondering.

I pushed the plate aside with a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach.  The waitress stopped by my table, all smiles and said, “Are you ready? Would you like a box to take that with you?”

“I couldn’t,” I replied in all honesty.

The damage to my wallet, apart from the damage to my insides, was $23.00 which is about €18.00 with the day’s exchange rate.  I left the place and, still a little peckish, went for a bite to eat at a place with better standards.

McDonalds.

The Unexpected Traveller documents meeting unusual situations on his blog.  He’s had close encounters with American food before.

Close encounters with food of the inedible kind? Write a comment and tell us about it!