Hidden away in one of Sliema’s main road is a restaurant which is infamous with some, but which few have actually had the honour of visiting. If Medieval Banquets are what you are after, if you want to try and polish of the biggest dishes available in Malta, then The Trees Medieval Restaurant in Manwel Dimech Street, Sliema is the place for you.  Size is the name of the game at The Trees.

Our first visit there was a Medieval Stag Night and the stag is still suffering from the experience.  Andreas our German host, presented us all with our medieval “capes” explained the simple rules to this famous banquet (yes, this place his own rules, like another country). Food and drink will be brought to the table, you will eat as much as you can, and when you hear the bell the food fight can start. The most important rule of all is “don’t rest against the white car parked outside because the asshole neighbor will call the police” .

Yes, you did read right. I did say ‘food fight’ somewhere up here.

Surprisingly enough, even though most of it was going end up thrown about, the food served during the medieval banquet is delicious. Large pieces of chicken, beef, and pork all perfectly cooked and seasoned German Medieval Style. I did not live in Medieval Germany and neither did Andreas so I do not know whether this is actually the correct way or not. We were actually having second thoughts about the waste, but when we remembered that the food would keep coming we just tucked in. The fries accompanying the meat were also seasoned in a way that we could not stop eating them. Pair this with some strong German beer and our whole group of Vikings was in rampage heaven, ready to steal us a few damsels.

The moment we had all been waiting for arrived. Tables were cleared quickly from breakable and dangerous items,  the last dregs of beer were swigged and off went the bell. Had this been a normal Medieval Banquet, all would have been pelted, but as it was a stag night, it was only the groom who was on the receiving end of all that we didn’t eat or drink, as well as the bones and other items that we had craftily hidden whilst the tables were being cleared. This just kept on going until the poor guy just surrendered to his best “friends” and we ran out of ammunition. Thankfully, he suffered no serious injuries – I still have memories of one of my colleagues coming in to work the day after a food fight with a split lip after being on the receiving end of a huge bone thrown by one of his adversaries. The fact that I have memories means that no serious damage was really done.

We ended the night with a special Trees stag night cocktail, which basically consisted of a shot of every drink available at the bar poured into one of the large horns Andy has nailed to the walls.

We departed from the restaurant, drunk, bruised and battered, but at the same time happy that we had finally experienced the infamous food fight which people had been on about. I promised myself that I would return to attempt some of the XXXXL Meals I had seen on the menu.  A glutton through and through, for food and punishment.

By the way, nothing happened to the white car parked outside the restaurant. It was still there this morning.