It’s a meandering, carousing heaven and hell monster of a city with a hundred heads that can be all things to all men. You discuss what you saw with your friends who’ve been and it will seem like you’re all talking about a different place. Which is probably why one visit a lifetime is never enough.

Surprises in Krung Thep, Bangkok’s Thai nomenclature, never stop. The first realization is that it hosts a population of 9 million people in around 1,568 square kilometres, most of Chinese descent, but including Indians, Arabs, Malays and Europeans all jostling for space within extremes of living quarters. From the tiny hovels to the plush ‘serviced apartments’ the City of Angels tries hard to accommodate until it seems to be bursting at its own silken seams.

It was with some surprise that I stumbled across the one thing that opened my mind and my eyes to the city in a way that no guide book could: fiction. John Burdett has written a thriller set in the city called Bangkok 8, after one of the police precincts. It’s perfect holiday fodder and the ideal way to pass your time on board the flight.

Bangkok’s pollution and traffic congestion are infamous. A taxi ride from one end of one of its major arteries – the Sukhumvit Road – to the other can take anything from 20 minutes in the early hours of the morning to one and a half hours in the afternoon. The two-line Sky Train, implemented amidst much fanfare and expectation a few years ago, is still mostly used by visitors and tourists, and its metro system is still in its infancy. The Tuk Tuk’s – motorcycle drawn carriages – stink of gas and give you a full-blast sample of the pollution. The quickest and most dangerous way to get around – by motorcycle taxi – is still relatively unknown to the hapless visitor.

And yet the city can be wonderful delight to behold. Never-ending complexes of Buddhist temples amidst the high-rises, the Thai restaurant that fills you up with a week’s worth of food for LM4, and the people, hardened from years of tourism, but still sweet and willing to please, make it worth the while.

My quest this time ‘round was simple: I wanted to experience a quiet Krung Thep, a simple one with maximum holiday appeal, and I wanted some sabai – to feel good. Quiet places tend to bring out roaring thoughts. Sometimes, the noisier the surroundings, the quieter the soul. In a country where 97% of inhabitants are Buddhist, I too went looking for a blissed-out karmic state.

The Hotel

The Peninsula Bangkok. The words still ring bells of joy in my ear. A tranquil oasis on the other side of the river where the guests are courteous and polite, children a strange sighting (bliss for those without and those with who are trying to have a break from their own) and the staff everything the Thai smile is famous for.

The Pen is a small chain by international standards, but one that is setting new heights which are attainable by the normal, non-group, traveller. The most basic room has panoramic views of the river, luscious beds with pillows that help you rest rather than give you a crick in the neck, instant internet access and dvd player, and marble bathrooms made for couples rather than pokey spaces where your perfume and his after-shave have night-time fights for space. In fact, there is a power walk-in shower, two basins and a very good size bath with the infamous television in it. Valets are assigned to each room and no matter what time of day you press the ‘Make Up My Room’ button, the beeper hanging on your personally-assigned chamber-maid goes off and five minutes later she’s providing the perfect holiday experience where you do nothing, and someone else does it all for you.

All levels of staff speak good English (not so common, even in such a tourist-oriented country) which means that the Concierge, your first point of call, will be able to converse fluently with you about the best place to get yourself a made-to-measure suit within two days, where the hippest clubs are, and where best to eat a modern Thai meal.

The pool is a tropically-landscaped three-tiered affair with couple gazebos for the sun-shy. It’s a sign of good clientele that most of them, lazing around in the Thai heat, are actually reading. In fact, the noise you’re most likely to hear here is the chink of ice as the waiter constantly replenishes your water.

The food reaches fabulous levels. Breakfast is an indication of quality fare where local fruit like papaya and mango jostles with Chinese, Japanese and British breakfasts. The croissants are fresh and made with real butter and the napkins on the tables overlooking the river linen. With its six world-class restaurants, you may not even want to step out once. Even if it has 370 rooms, the Pen still feels like a boutique hotel.

Transport

The Pen sends you no less than a Rolls Royce to pick you up at the airport, even a helicopter if you’re feeling flush, but after that you do your own thing. The best way to get about in Bangkok is by using the Chao Praya river, which traverses the city with its long-tail boats and water taxis. The hotel has its own non-stop shuttle service and a lovely waiting area which looks like a mini hotel lobby, across the river. Following that, connections are easy. A water taxi is a haggling affair (for LM4 you can wangle a two-hour tour) but the easiest thing to do is to get the water-bus which costs an incredible 20c at the most.

Taxi drivers are notorious for saying yes to every destination even if they have no idea where on earth you want to go. Make sure you take your hotel card with Thai script with you wherever you go, although this is no guarantee that some money-grabbing taxi-driver will not give you a tour of the entire metropolis to get your tourist buck. When you realize that a 45 minute trip costs around LM1, you’ll stop quibbling and just give up. You are, after all, on holiday.

For long trips that cross the city itself, you can get the sky-train, which will cost 40c for the longest journey. It’s quiet, convenient, not too over-crowded and always air-conditioned, sometimes to ridiculous freezer-like levels. The sky-train will take you to places like the Chatuchak weekend-market (avoid at all costs if you’re looking for some decent shopping or are an animal lover), MBK centre (a mad market in the shape of a shopping centre) or the Wat Po temple. The afore-mentioned motorcycle taxis are for the single and the reckless.

The Grand Palace

Even if you’ve already been you must go again. Built in 1782 this is the Buddhist heart and soul of Thailand. If you manage to go very early in the morning (it opens at 8.30am) you’ll avoid the coach-load of tourists and the incessant explanations in all languages. It has royal temples, palaces whose gold and mosaic glitter in the sun, golden stupas and an unquantifiable amount of Buddhas in all minerals, including Jade. You may be lucky enough to join in a real celebration and the groups of respectful children chanting with the arhat (monks) are an uplifting sight. Wear slip-ons because you have to take your shoes off every time you enter. Admission: LM2

The Thai Massage

This kind of massage is so incredible it’s become a worldwide export. Your limbs are stretched to limits you never thought possible, your muscles coaxed into acquiescence and your system starts to work again. All in all, an hour of bliss for LM3. You find Thai massage everywhere, but suffice to say that in the Red Light district of Pat Pong it means something quite different. Usually the hint is that for the real Thai Massage, you’re fully dressed. The best place to go is the Massage School at the Grand Palace itself where qualified students in advanced state of learning practice their craft. Even the reflexology session can send you to the land of nod.

Ayuthaya

Out of the city, one to two hours away (depending on traffic of course), the old capital of Thailand is today a Unesco world-heritage site. Avoid the money-grabbing elephant rides (unless you really feel like, in which case remember that small photos of the event are available and you don’t need to buy the large one which the touts will try to sell you) and walk around the temples, still magnificent after having been burnt by the Burmese. If walking sounds too easy, you can rent a bicycle. If it sounds too hard, charter a long-tail boat and see everything from the river side.

The Cruise

The Marriott Riverside Hotel lies at the edge of the city amidst luscious grounds. It’s more of a resort, and therefore perfect for families. Mum and dad can play golf, or get a treatment in the award-winning spa, and the kids can go haywire in the pools or at one of the many activities. For adults only, the fabulous Manohra Song, a stunningly-restored rice barge, will take you up the river on an overnight cruise which spans the Bang Pa-In, a curious palace collection of architectural styles, as well as Ayuthaya, then sends you into a nursery rhyme of a slumber in one of its four beautiful bedrooms (complete with shower).

Nights Out

Clubbing in Bangkok is not just about walks in the red light district and dodging the fake–label sellers on the Silom Road. The Elvis Bar in Pat Pong is hilarious simply for having a Thai Elvis twisting his blue suede shoes, but when it comes to class, you’ll want Bed Supperclub. From the outside it looks like a neon-lit space pod, but inside it’s split into club on one side and super-douper restaurant on the other. The restaurant serves excellent fusion food while you lounge about on the white beds. At about LM12 per person for a set meal, it’s not cheap, but it’s still really worthwhile by European standards. Most of the patrons are groups and foreign couples, relaxed and out for a good time. Both the restaurant and the club have excellent DJ’s spinning the tunes as well as very pretty girls twirling trays and ra-ra skirts. Oh, and their cocktails are stratospheric.

Learn to Cook Thai

After a stint in Thailand, you’ll find everything starts to taste of nothing. This is because the Thais use a combination of hot (chillis), sour (lime juice, tamarind), sweet (palm sugar, pineapples) and salty (fish sauce, shrimp paste) to create a perfect balance within all their dishes. Thai cookery schools are all over Krung Thep and they’re an excellent introduction to the methodology.

The Peninsula takes its own so seriously that the Director of the Academy, Saipin Laoharanu is also their Head of Social Affairs and Protocol. Not only will she take you to a real market, Sam Yan, to buy the food (forget floating markets which have become disgustingly tourist-oriented) but she will oversee your lesson and teach you how to eat (with a fork and a spoon, only) and what’s done and isn’t done at the Thai table. There’s also a course in Thai desserts but if cooking is not your game, there are also sessions in Fruit and Vegetable Carvery. LM35 buys you the training with their Head Chef which includes a lunch cooked by her and her staff.

Prostitution

If you want the quiet life, you’ll be trying to avoid availing yourself of this. Pat Pong and its menu-holding touts is notorious but brothels are all over the land. Regardless of what you’ve heard, no-one will drag you into anything, and the ping-pong, goldfish and dart-throwing clubs are a choice. Most clients (American and European males) would have already booked their girl (or lady-boy – Thailand has the highest rate of trans-gender operations in the world) through the internet. It is calculated that one third of gushing females at the airport are welcoming their e-mail correspondents. Most prostitution though, is domestic, and only 5% of the market is oriented towards foreigners. For the same reason, most ‘massage clubs’ have only one target in mind.

Muay Thai

Liberally translated, this means Thai Boxing, and one of the most violent forms in existence. The madness and mayhem surrounding the rink is controlled so you’ll feel like a Zen monk while it’s all going on. It starts outside where madly gesticulating Stadium representatives, recognizable by misspelled yellow tags hanging around their necks, open your taxi door and scream at you (in Thai, of course) to go to the counter for farang (westerners) to buy tickets. This means that the cheapest one for you is LM5 while Thais pay cents (a widespread practice and only fair since their average pay is much less than LM200 a month).

Muay Thai can get bloody. Rules were only implemented to appease international standards and boxers can hit faces, ribs, knees and basically anywhere they like. Until some years ago, they didn’t even wear gloves. The activity is both on stage (watch as farang from the US are the only ones that buy ringside tickets at LM15) as well as off, where bookies take constant bets while making signals and holding wads of Baht between their ring and fourth fingers. There are two stadia so ask the Concierge where the day’s matches will take place.

Shopping

This has become a hazardous and tourist-oriented affair. Chatuchak Weekend Market has thousands of stalls (buy Nancy Chandler’s map from the hotel gift shop for a detailed outline) and sells anything from fake designer bags to embroidered silk to squirrels. This is also the place to buy fried crickets, water beetles and bugs (since I’m sure you’ll want to). It needs a day to go through and even the most hardened shoppers (me) will end up disillusioned with the prices and the heat. The food stalls are fabulous and cheap though.

The previously mentioned Floating Markets have become a ridiculous affair. No Thais purchase their daily wares from them any more and it’s strictly a tourist-coach thing. Colourful but a waste of precious holiday time.

Ernest Camilleri, Costume Designer to Malta’s theatre luvvies, who has been to Thailand too many times to remember, informs me that I missed out on a fabulous chance to go to Pratunam market where silks are at throwaway prices and everything is much cheaper and tourists less aware of its existence. So there, now you know.

If you want real Thai silk, some of it hand-woven, at the very decent price of LM3.50 a metre, ask the Taxi Driver to take you to the Jim Thompson Factory Outlet on Sukhumvit Soi 93. Thompson was an American famous for restoring Thailand’s silk trade, then vanishing somewhere without a trace. Take a good look ‘round, then cross the road to the tiny shop silk shop opposite called Nunt Thai Silk where the selection is more limited but everything is cheaper and the service the sweet Thai we all know and love. The lady proprietor’s English is nonexistent but the silk is the real deal. Burn an edge and watch the fibre crumble if you’re a non-believer. Synthetic melts.

Eating Out

Here it’s an incredible affair.

Once in Krung Thep, dive headlong into the street-side restaurants. These people have cooking in their blood, and street-vendors are a dime a dozen. Most Thais don’t actually eat in what we perceive to be restaurants, but they do eat simply and often by buying spring rolls, satays and meat balls from impromptu stands on each and every road. You don’t have to eat the fried bugs if you don’t want to, but the prawns are excellent.

If you want tables and chairs, you probably can’t get more real than at Ton Pho Restaurant, a huge open-air affair bang on the river. The menu is extensive and when these people say hot, they really mean it. It’s not posh, but it’s really good, and an excellent lunch spot. The staff speak a smattering of English which helps in the communication. It is also ridiculously cheap. (Water Taxi stop number 13)

A big step up on the style stakes is Naj, a Thai-fusion restaurant in the embassy area (42, Soi Convent) around 15 minutes away from The Peninsula by taxi. It’s very chi-chi, the armchair-like seating one to sink into and there are around 2 waiting staff to each guest. It’s modern Thai cuisine and very well executed too. Apart from the wonderful food, miss out on the wine (which is not really a Thai thing anyway) and go for the chilled infusions of ginger or lemongrass. Wonderfully yummy and still decently priced. (around LM10 each including lots of little extras).

If you’re looking for something a little posher try the Celadon at the Sukhotai Hotel. It’s a little out of the way, so we stopped on our way back to the airport for a royal Thai dinner (that’s high end, very well sourced ingredients and production to you and me) served in a beautiful pagoda. It’s expensive by Thai standards but quite normal by ours. For around LM16 a head, you’ll come away with some extra baggage. And it will all be in your tummy.

Hotels

The 39-storey Peninsula Bangkok is within easy access of the business and shopping districts of Bangkok and is close to several of the city's numerous attractions. Adjacent to the Saphan Taksin Station of the Bangkok Sky Train (BTS), is also just 35 minutes from Don Muang International Airport. The Pen in Bangkok continues to sweep awards in every single industry ceremony. It has just been voted Best Hotel in Asia by Travel and Leisure readers, it’s the No. 1 Editor’s Choice in the Gallivanter Guide, and best for Service, Rooms and Design in Conde Naste Traveller’s Gold List Awards for Asia and the Pacific. Check out the latest rates on www.peninsula.com

If you’re lugging a family along, you’re best off at the Marriott Bangkok resort and spa which is on the outskirts of the city. Rates can be extremely low, especially if you’re not visiting in the peak season. They probably have the largest buffet breakfast in town, complete with crepe makers and river views. www.marriott.com

Books and Magazines

The Rough Guide to Bangkok is bang up-to-date, has good colour photography and is still thin and light enough not to weigh you down. If you plan on doing any travelling up and down the country, you’re best getting the Rough Guide to Thailand.

If you want to be really light, go for Nancy Chandler’s map which comes with a little leaflet, or the LUXE guides, which are literally folded cardboard which you place in your pocket. Both from the hotel gift shop.

For the latest travel updates and ‘what’s on’ for the month you visit, get copies of Conde Naste’s Traveller or Travel and Leisure magazines.

www.nancychandler.com has the latest unbiased information on Bangkok.

When to Go

Any time, but with awareness. The cool/dry season is from November to January and Thailand’s peak. The rainy months are June to October, so accommodation is cheaper, but expect a few flutters or rain, and sometimes thunderstorms, which never last long. March to May is the hot season. But then, it always is.