This is not Valletta.

This is not Malta.

This is not even Europe.

This is a land where people queue, yes queue for public transport. This is a country where people turn up for work hours before work actually begins. This is a place where people eat fish for breakfast, and no, it’s not anchovy on yesterday’s pizza.

This is like no place you’ve ever been before.

This, my friends, is Japan.

And these are your instructions:

Eat. Eat a lot. Eat rice. Eat rice balls. Eat rice triangles. Eat rice with onions and beef strips in a Yoshinoya fast food bar. Eat sashimi. Eat sushi-go-round. Eat Udon noodles in a noodle shop. Eat upside-down omelettes called okonomiyake. Eat in a traditional restaurant where each table is partitioned off into a little room and you have to sit on the floor. Eat in trendy white bars. Eat in petrol stations. But maybe don’t eat octopus balls. I don’t know what’s in them, but it just doesn’t sound right.

Shop. Shop in crazy, tacky, trashy pound-shops by the side of the road. Shop in tiny oh-so-trendy boutiques filled with tiny oh-so-trendy clothes. Shop for sushi knives in a hardware store. Shop for wishes at a shrine. Shop in vintage kimono shops. Shop in kimono department stores. Shop in specialist kimono shops. But try to avoid shopping in strange vending kiosks in isolated spots by the side of the freeway that sell girl’s panties. I’m not joking.

Talk. Talk to school kids on the underground. Talk to friendly barmen. Talk to other foreigners. Talk to anyone who speaks English, because there aren’t many of them and you’ll probably get lonely.

Take photos. Take photos of everything you see. Take photos of narrow traditional streets, neon billboard streets, temples, airports, toilets, stations, people asleep on the underground, escalators, bicycles, food, fashion, geishas, shrines, dumplings, everything because none of it will be like anything you’ve ever seen before. But most of all take photos of Japanese people because especially if you’re blonde, they’ll really like taking photos of you.

Sleep. Sleep in a traditional-style bamboo-mat-floored, backwards-toiletted Ryoken. Sleep in a capsule hotel – it does what it says on the tin. Sleep in a pricey Western-style hotel where the toilets wash your backside for you. Sleep with some Buddhist monks. Sleep in a friend’s apartment that’s so small he has to go and sleep somewhere else. Sleep in a love-hotel (my personal favourite) where you check in anonymously and rent love-themed rooms by the hour. Sleep wherever you like, but whatever you do, take your shoes off before you go inside.

Visit. Visit everywhere you can. Visit breathtaking scenery, bamboo forests, ancient shrines, Buddhist temples, war museums and peace parks. Visit an outdoor onsen (a public bath where you scrub down before soaking in really really hot or really really cold water, naked of course). Visit a ferris wheel on top of a skyscraper. Visit a bar on the thirtieth floor of an office building. Visit an ancient palace, a karaoke bar, a gold-plated temple, a pachinko parlour. Just maybe try and avoid Little Miss Kitty World.

Remember, always be polite, nod a lot, and whatever you do, do not skip the queue.

 

For excellent rates and in-depth knowledge of Japan, contact the staff at Royal Travel

//

planetmona is edited by food and travel writer Mona Farrugia